I did not originate these thoughts, but when I came across them on a random Facebook post/share they resonated deeply with me and my efforts at raising my youngest son to become the well adjusted adult he is capable of becoming.
Diane KrasznayMarch 24
In light of the recent shootings in Florida and then recently at our local high school (GMHS) where a boy went into school last week and shot his ex-girlfriend (she died) and then himself (he died) we all ask what is wrong with our kids today?? I may not know all the answers but I think I know one!!
Here is a photo that I took this AM. It shows my broken sprayer bottle (that I use to spray the cat when she jumps on the table etc) along with water on the carpet. This came from my son's temper tantrum this AM. He is 10. He is a wonderful, bright STEM student, a very sensitive but caring boy. He loves animals. He sleeps with our cat every night. He loves the puppies we have every year along with the 4 dogs in our household. He writes love notes and gives hugs abundently. So what is the problem?
This AM I took away his phone. We had an activity planned for him to go to and he wanted to take his phone. His friend was coming over and all I could think about was how bored his friend would be while they sat in the car for the long car ride with my son staring at his phone and playing his games while ignoring his friend. How did I know this would happen? Because it has happened every other time!
Which brings me back to this AM. When I told my son that he couldn't take his phone, he had a major temper tantrum. He lay on the floor crying. He begged, he pleaded. Then when I repeatedly said no, he argued. He stomped off. He reluctantly got in the car with his Dad and his friend still crying and begging for his phone. I went back into the house and that is when I noticed that he left the front door open and the cat got out. The muddy shoe tracks throughout the house. The spilled water and my broken bottle. And I realized, in one sudden moment, the phone addiction IS a drug addiction!
I have never seen a drug addict that can't get his/her drugs. Well, except on TV. I cannot imagine it could be much worse! I realize that, yes, life has changed a LOT from when I was a kid. A lot. There are more broken families. More drugs (opiates). There seems to be more mental illness, or maybe it is just diagnosed more frequently. There is violence on TV but there always has been. Same with video games. I remember seeing kids play horrible violent video games 20 yrs ago. But the one thing that is totally different from when I was a kid and even 20 years ago....are the cell phones!! How can something so seemingly innocent be such a profound influence on a kid?
My daughter is in high school. Yes, she has wasted a lot of time on social media. So have I. Let's admit, it's addictive. It's convenient. It's sometimes even helpful..I have to say, knowing some of the parents of the kids at GMHS, they were grateful that their kids had their phones with them in school that day. They got frequent texts and updates and they knew their kids were ok! It was a relief for those parents. So phones are not all bad! They can in fact be life savers.
But. This is where the parenting comes in. I realized this AM, after watching my son's reaction, after seeing the results of his temper tantrum, that we as parents are allowing this to happen. I am allowing this to happen! It IS convenient to have kids quietly entertaining themselves for hours. Back in the old days, and yes, I am of the baby boomer generation, we managed to get though our days without phones or electronics. We had no laptops, no switches, no Wii's, no Xbox, no PlayStation, no huge digital entertainment centers in our homes. We got home from school and we went outside and we played, yes PLAYED, with our friends. We rode bikes, we built forts in the woods, we fished , we played kickball, spotlight, freeze tag, climbed trees, rode skateboards, ran through the hose and sunbathed, and anything else we could think of. And yes, sometimes we were actually BORED. I read books in the Summer, lots of books. I went to the library. A LOT. I played tennis, I rode ponies with my friend bareback, I even rode my bike a couple miles to her house..... back in the day when we didn't worry about getting abducted. So what has changed? Why are kids unable to cope? Unable to think of things to do? Why are they so bored? So detached from their friends? Their families? So detached from the physical world?
I know the answer. Maybe not the whole answer. But I have an addict in the house and it's my fault. I gave him the phone because he has a long bus ride home from school and I want to be able to stay in touch with him. However, I have allowed him to have data to play games so he won't be bored on the bus. And then I allow him to play games as a break between homework assignments. And this leeway, this reward I have given him, this phone, has grown into a monster of sorts. If I am working and not home, I trusted that he would stick to his limits. But that apparently isn't working. I have to physically monitor him at home and how much time he is spending on the phone. I have to be more diligent. I have to make THE decisions. Do I take away his phone altogether? Can he handle his daily limits? Is it changing his personality, his brain? Is he well rounded? Is he getting along with people? Does he have other interests?
Based on what I have seen today, I am convinced this is more serious than I originally thought. I saw an addict today. I know I'm not the only parent that has noticed this. Change needs to happen. It starts at home. I am committed to do everything I can to have well rounded, functional children. Children that play. Children that go outside. Children that have interests. Children that can interact in person with others. My commitment starts today. Wish me luck and please give me strength in numbers. Feel free to share. Thank you.
UPDATE:
First of all, from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read, comment, message me, send me links for information and ideas, and share my post. When I posted this a few days ago, I had no idea how far and wide my message would travel, nor how much it would resonate with so many people across the world. I truly appreciate and am grateful for all the support, encouragement, advice, prayers and help that I've received as well as the sharing of my message.
I have heard from so many people that are struggling and suffering with the same problem in their children, grandchildren, students, or from those who have just observed the significant changes in the younger generation. This addiction is widespread, it is real, it is serious, and in my opinion, it is worldwide. For those who don't yet understand or believe the extent of this addiction, let me share with you a few of the messages I have received from families struggling with it or whose lives have been devastated. One mother's 14 year old son became so angry after they took his cell phone away, he hanged himself right after. His name was Justin Shuman. His mother wrote that he was a brilliant child gifted academically and physically but very addicted to his phone and other electronics. Justin has a support page on FB and his mother said they are totally open about what happened, why and how,. His mother's name is Melissa Duttlinger Shuman. She is hoping that awareness of this problem through this post will grow so that other parents and caregivers can help their children and grandchildren in time and never have to experience such a terrible and devastating tragedy in their lives.
I have heard from multiple parents about children, around 14 and 15 that have attacked their parents and siblings when their phones were taken away. One 14 yr old boy is sitting in jail today in Texas after having attacked his mother last night! One mother got attacked by her 15 yr old daughter after taking her phone and the police won't help her do anything about it. Multiple teachers and educators have written and commented that they are scared to confiscate the phones of their high school students as they have become so angry that they were shaking! One teacher said nothing scares her more or is more a threat to her life than having to ask for a cell phone!
Clearly the extreme anger and reactions of some children and teens that have their devices confiscated is evidence of a serious addiction and problem in society. Of course adults are certainly addicted too....one woman even wrote that her 80 yr old husband has become addicted to facebook in 2 months!
The problem is real, it is growing, and it needs to be dealt with. Not every child exposed to electronics and phones will become addicted, but the younger they are when they start, the greater the danger seems to be. I am just a Mom, not a physician, a psychologist, or even remotely trained in addiction therapy, but I found a very good resource of information in this book:
This book is not free but is written by a clinical psychologist specializing in tech addictions in children and teens such as gaming and cellphones. He provides great information, details about the types of games and how they are designed to be addictive, screening tools, questionnaires, links to support groups, links to devices to help limit access to electronics, software and hardware, details about how to know when you can intervene yourself or when you may need professional help and how to find it. If you need help, please reach out and get it! Your children are worth it!!
Change definitely needs to happen!! Please continue to share and spread the word!! Pediatricians (one of whom is copying and posting my message to put up in their waiting room), perhaps school counselors and educators, politicians, the press, families, friends and concerned citizens....everyone perhaps needs to look around and see the problem. Yes it starts AT HOME but more and more computers and tablets are becoming incorporated into the schools and homework as well. Children that truly have a serious addiction to electronics may need to not have access to any electronics at school or at home. They may need to have very restricted usage or perhaps none at all. Many parents have done that same as myself, handed their kids electronics...phones, tablets, I-pad, computers without having ANY idea that they would become addicted!! And many children and teens are much higher tech capable than their parents and can get around many of the controls their parents put into place. Social media is also a huge addiction as well as gaming. Many people have written about their own addictions to FB and social media as well as their children. Not all children become addicted but the danger is grave.
There are some people that commented that my son just needs a butt whipping and corporal punishment. I disagree with that approach and it certainly doesn't help resolve an addiction! My son does get disciplined in other ways and he is normally very well behaved. Nor does he get everything he wants. Just as someone wouldn't beat a drug addict to cure an addiction, beating a child with an addiction is not a solution! Tech addiction is compared in the book, referenced above, as more similar to a gambling addiction than a drug addiction, but there are also dire consequences with each. The tech addict dies slowly inside by his or her addiction, their personality changes, their mood changes, their brain changes and their lack of connection to family, friends, or the outside world! As far as my son, he has not had his phone in 3 days. He is restricted to playing video games to just an hour a day. This may seem like a lot to some people but to him it is a drastic reduction. Many people have commented that he never should have received a phone and in hindsight, I agree. In the future he will only have a basic phone to reach us in emergencies. I am already seeing huge signs of improvement! In the car, we actually had conversations. He looked out the window and noticed things, for the first time in a very long time. He actually got on the floor and played with his lego sets for the first time in many many months. We went outside everyday since the big revelation (to me!) and played tennis, walked and rode bikes. I know we have to be super diligent with our son and that he will at the slightest opportunity, get right back into his gaming. But I am in it for the long haul. We love our son. And by the way, our cat is fine. She only traveled a couple of feet on the porch before we found her.
Sorry for the long update!!! Please continue to share and discuss and lets's all make changes to help our children, our grandchildren, our relatives, our friends. We have a societal problem that we all need to fix but I am confident it can be done, one child, one family at a time. I am just a Mom and it takes a villlage as they say!! If you think you have or know a child or teen addicted to electronics, please research, find support, get help or get professional help if needed!!
Thank you again
Diane Krasznay
